Returning a value from a UDF. (MySQL)

Attempting to create the following function keeps giving me 'Not allowed to return a result set from a function' ... Google has shown me no love. Nor has reading the MySQL docs/examples.

DELIMITER $$
CREATE
    FUNCTION `sparks`.`ChildCheck`(ParentType VARCHAR(2), ParentID VARCHAR(4)) RETURNS INTEGER
    BEGIN
DECLARE ParentString VARCHAR(8);
DECLARE Kids INTEGER;
SET ParentString=CONCAT(ParentType, ':',ParentID);
SET Kids = 0;
SELECT Kids=Kids+1 AS KidCount
FROM (SELECT parent FROM mod_CMS WHERE dept_id=1 AND parent=ParentString
    UNION
    SELECT parent FROM mod_External_Links WHERE dept_id=1 AND parent=ParentString
    UNION
    SELECT parent FROM dept_mods WHERE dept_id=1 AND parent=ParentString) t1;
RETURN (KidCount);
END$$
DELIMITER ;

That doesn't work.

The following 开发者_如何学JAVADOES work.

DELIMITER $$
DROP FUNCTION IF EXISTS `next_april1`$$
CREATE FUNCTION `next_april1`(inDate DATETIME) RETURNS DATE
DETERMINISTIC
BEGIN
  DECLARE outDate DATE;
  SET outDate = (SELECT CASE
              WHEN MONTH(inDate) < 4 THEN CONCAT(YEAR(inDate), '-04-01')
              ELSE CONCAT(YEAR(inDate) + 1, '-04-01')
              END);
RETURN (outDate);
END$$
DELIMITER;

The syntax for the working one is:

select next_april1(NOW());

and it returns

'2012-04-01'

I'm looking for the first one to work like:

select KidCount('C','3')

Output: 4

I must be missing something between the two functions.

Per the documentation for Create Procedure:

Statements that return a result set can be used within a stored procedure but not within a stored function. This prohibition includes SELECT statements that do not have an INTO var_list clause and other statements such as SHOW, EXPLAIN, and CHECK TABLE.